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Waiter Diary: This suit was a great find.
=========================================

I remember when I got it.

I got off the bus after school a few stops early and walked to the
thrift store and after I at the old records and tapes and books and art
work, I looked for white shirts to wear to work.  They're always getting
stained eventually and it's crazy expensive to buy them new.

And that's when I found the suit.  Dark grey with faint stripe pattern.
I remember when I bought it, the lady ringing me up commented how this
was quite a find.

That thrift store in particular is interesting.  The staff is
exclusively rich old ladies.  They all volunteer at the shop to help
raise money for whatever charity the shop supports.  But also it feels
like conspicuous leisure.

Like, notice how I'm so wealthy that I prefer not to be paid for my
labor.  You couldn't afford what I'm worth so I'll just do it for free.
Anyhow, I mention all that to say that while I don't know anything about
fancy clothes, this lady ringing me up sure did, and she was impressed.
today I wore the suit for an interview for an internship today.  A paid
one, too.  I make sure to ask that right away after the soul-crushing
disappointment of the last one.

It's at an oil and gas company.  They want to build a model to predict
energy consumption based on weather.  When it gets hot, people use air
conditioning more.  So, that means more electricity, which is generated
by burning natural gas.

This is the stuff I've been geeking out on so hard at school.  I've been
studying my textbook like it contains the secret to infinite cosmic
power.

I rode the bus out to the oil company's office, wearing the suit, and
when I got to the building, I walked through the glass doors, and into
the lobby, and I caught my reflection, and I looked like I fit in here.
Normally, I would have felt intimidated being there.  Not today.  This
suit was like a space suit, keeping me safe in an alien environment.

The interview went well.  If they hire me, I'd come in three days a
week, and go to school on the other two.  It'd be a separate source of
money, but also, it's not crazy that I get hired full-time when I
graduate soon.

And I feel like I have this job in the bag.

The guy I met, Brian, mentioned he had called the department, asked for
their best statistics undergraduate student, and Dr. A told them it was
me.

It was intense when he said that.  There's some other really bright
students.  I think the only thing I have on them is that I'm really
focused.  I pick at stuff until it makes sense to me even when the class
has moved on to the next chapter.

I remember when Ash came over after I picked up the suit and I showed it
to her.  She's funny -- she still plays that whole "I'm too cool to care
about anything and I might float away forever any minute" but I saw her
smiling when I tried it on.

I said, "It's not bad, right?  I look like a normal person in this!" and
I remember how she smiled and nodded.  She said I looked like a square.
Like the rich asshole guys that came in to drink martinis when she
danced.

I told her how that's exactly what I want.  I want them to think I'm one
of them.

On the way back home on the bus ride, I felt a weird mix of happiness
because finally stuff is turning up and also this grim feeling that none
of it will really help though.

I try to keep a positive attitude.

But honestly, I live a grim life.  Something about seeing a shot at
something better calls ny attention to the things I’m not happy about
but have to put up with now.

For example, it’s always been difficult for me to make friends.  Now I
don't even have much energy to deal with that because I'm struggling to
pay my rent and stay caught up in school.

There was an awkward situation during the interview when Brian said how
much fun college was for him.  I grinned and played along but I doubted
it was believable.

This isn't a fun time right now. My life is about pushing myself
forward.

A part of me that desperately hopes my life will change sooner or later,
as long as I keep pushing.

But There's another part that I try to ignore.  That part says it's all
pointless.  Maybe I can make it up a few rungs in socioeconomic status,
but I'll never feel any different.

I'm stained.  With ink.

This voice says that my entire life can be summarized in a few images:

*   Me carrying oysters on silver trays to upper class dinner
*   Me in a classroom at school, watching other students chit chat
*   Me in the department of corrections waiting room, waiting my turn to
    pay my fees and then convince my officer that I deserve to stay out
    of prison for another month
*   Me at home at night, scribbling notes from textbooks.

Like I said, I try not to listen to that part of me.  I try really hard
not to let it even get out a word.

But that part came out of nowhere and got to me on the bus today.

So, yeah, I’m a weird mix of hope and gloom.

Ash just called.

She wanted to know how the internship interview went.  I told her about
it.  Then I told her how it was nice to know she cared, knowing it would
provoke her.  Of course  she made that "ugh" sound she does when she
wants to express annoyance or disgust, but I told her it was too late to
back pedal.

Her calling me shows she cares about somebody else's happiness.  No Ash
is an island.

I asked her if it hurt to feel some small amount of joy and hope, even
if it was for somebody else, like when you've been in the dark for a
long time, and somebody shines a flashlight in your eyes.  She said she
didn't care that much, and I think I laughed and said she obviously did
and I think it's really sweet.  We talked for a few more minutes.

I should add an image of me talking on the phone to Ash to that list of
bullet points up above that defines my life.

I'm glad we're pals.