.. vim: set syntax=rst nosmartindent spell spelllang=en_us: Penny called (part five) ======================== I was still talking to Levi but my stop was coming up. I wrote my number on the bottom edge of the receipt from my piss test today. Then I tore it off and gave it to him. I told him to call me and we can stay in touch. When I walked to the front of the bus, I said to the driver, "Hey there's a guy back there. He looks pretty rough. He's my friend. He's having a bad time but he's a good person and wouldn't hurt a fly. If you can make sure he gets off this bus downtown, I'd appreciate it." While I waited for the next bus, I felt my eyes and nose running. Part of it was because it was cold, wet, and windy. And part of it was because I kept thinking about what might happen to Levi if he didn't get somewhere safe. ---- When I got home I went through the pile of mail shoved through the mail slot on the door. Was mostly junk mail for previous tenants. There was a letter from that bank I interviewed at a while ago. It said they were not going to hire me. They said it in flowery language. That didn't help. ---- After an hour or so of halfhearted studying, I went out on the front steps of the building. I needed to get out of my room for a while. Sometimes other people from the building come out and sit on the steps. Even if we just talk about unimportant stuff, like I listen to somebody explain to me what happened in a TV show or in a game they watched, it's nice to be around people. But nobody else was out on the steps. Across the street, there's a parking lot, and on the other side of that, there's a street with a few restaurants and bars and shops. I watched cars go in and out of the parking lot. I watched people walk to and from their cars and the street. I wanted cigarettes. It would make it more bearable while I waited outside for somebody else to show up. But I won't let myself buy a pack. It feels OK to buy one or two off Jake or Angie at the end of a really busy shift, and smoke then during my walk home. But it's another thing to buy a pack every day. And that's what will happen if I start again. It becomes something that preoccupies me. It becomes something else I don't like about myself. I've managed not to get back into that habit. It's a minor accomplishment but it's something. Makes me feel like I'm not totally weak. A guy got off the bus at the stop across the street. I recognized that he lives in my apartment building. As he got closer, I said, "you just coming home from work?" He said "night shift" and shuffled past me. I guess he didn't want to talk. ---- It was late and I was looking through my records. I wanted to find a song that would help me make sense of the day, or at least make feel better. I wasn't having good luck. I kept imagining Levi wandering streets by himself, arguing with voices, maybe stepping into traffic without checking. Or not noticing he's being followed and he's about to get jumped. So many different scary things could happen to him. I could have told him to come over. I could have cooked us dinner: mac and cheese mixed with tuna fish and canned peas, splattered with too much Tabasco sauce. I imagined us watching a stupid kung fu movie and joking around during it. I wonder how long it's been since he's spent time with a friend and laughed about stuff. But if he were here, what would I do if he started hearing shit again? What if he started screaming, or threw a plate at the wall, or tried to stab himself? I keep remembering the times I didn't stick up for him when we were younger. I feel like I put him on that bus, at least partially. ---- The phone rang and I saw on the caller ID box that it was Penny. Of course right away I was super happy to talk to her. It's been weeks or so since the last time we talked. I still hope she wants to get back together. I tried to act like I was in a better mood than I really was. I didn't want to scare her off. She asked how I've been. I said today was pretty nice. I told her how I met a cute girl. She said, "Oh yeah? Really?" Maybe it was wishful thinking on my part, but I imagined she sounded almost jealous. I told her how when I went to my probation appointment, they sent me in for a drug screen, and I met a really pretty lady cop. That made her laugh. I felt my shoulders relax when I heard her laughing. And she laughed for a while. Then she said, "What else? Really, how've you been?" I said, "I've been too busy to do much fun stuff. So, tell me about cool stuff you're doing." She said MacArthur is an amazing place to live. She says every time she goes out, she meets all these amazing cool people. She said it's intimidating, but also really exciting. And she said she's really thriving. Finally being out of her home, with her psychotic father at a safe distance. I could hear music in the background. She said she and her roommate were going to a party at one of her professor's house. She said I'd like him. He did his PhD on poetry written by soldiers during world war one. I didn't know what to say to that. It did sound really cool, and it seemed like a million miles away from my life of scraping tips together to just get by. A few seconds of quiet ticked by. I said something like "God, Penny, honestly, today was just awful." She said "Hey, none of that, I just want to have some chit chat. Because I miss that with you. Like, can't we just talk?" She said I always make her laugh. I held the phone away for a second. I said back angrier than I wanted to sound, "So, you missed the chit chat, that was what you missed the most?" I heard nothing for a while. She groaned for a short second. Then she said she missed me, but she couldn't bear feeling attached to me but so far away, and so unable to see me. She said she knew how sad I am. It makes her sad to think about it, because she can't fix it. She said it's overwhelming to talk to me about it. But she missed me, and she hopped we could just chit chat, like she said before. She said she wanted to hear my voice before she went out. It stung to hear say she was going out. Maybe if the day hadn't been such a bad time for me, I would have handled the call better. I said I was sorry that my life was a bummer to hear about. I had a rough fucking day and I was off my game. There was a silence. I waited for her to say something. I heard some noise instead. I realized it was people knocking on her door. Then I heard people talking in the background. It sounded like a bunch of people just got into her apartment. I heard a few male voices. One yelled, "Hey Penny, we're leaving!" She said quickly she had to go and then hung up. I sat for a while on the floor, leaning against the wall. Last man alive on the planet.