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Ash and me went out to hear some DJ.
====================================

I didn't want to go at first.  I hate going to places where the music is
so loud that it's impossible to have a conversation.  I worried I'd be
standing around, bored, feeling out of place, waiting for Ash to tire
herself out while dancing to some mediocre music that was blasting far
too loud.

When we got there though, I was thrilled... the place was tiny and there
was absolutely no room at all for dancing.  A few vinyl booths
along one wall, a bar, and a tiny raised area where the DJ had set up
his stuff.

And get this -- when we walked in, he was playing that gloomy band that
Ash made fun of me for being so into.

She and I both stood inside the tiny bar for a bit and looked around,
and when she turned and looked at me, she said, "what the fuck is this?
This feels like your apartment," and she squinted her eyes and
looked at me.  I asked her if she thinks I set this up.

We waited to get the bartender's attention.  I said how it's really a
curse... being into all the cool shit before everyone else.  I said over
and over again, I watch as stuff that I really love goes from being
underground and barely surviving, to finally getting the attention
it deserves, and then it really becomes beautiful, and then it changes
again and becomes a blatant overly hyped mockery of what it once was,
and then fizzles out.

She ignored me during this.  I was hoping to evoke an eye roll, at
least, but got nothing.

Ash said she was hoping this place would be more energetic.  I pointed
out how a booth opened up.  After we grabbed it, Ash lit a cigarette and
looked sideways at the room.

There's something about Ash's face that turns on and off.  When she's
on, she looks really pretty.  Not friendly, not sweet and affectionate;
more like a gorgeous predator.

But I've seen the other side, when she's off.  She's got a hurt scared
demeanor as well.

----

I talked to Ash about how Levi was on the bus a few days ago, and how I
keep thinking about him.

I told her how I keep wondering how Levi's life would have played out
differently if he grew up somewhere else.

The way we grew up, we got told to believe that Jesus was coming back
any day now.

And people with medical problems were being tested by god.  They would
be cured if their faith was strong enough.

I told Ash how at church every week, there was a point in the service
where they turned off all the lights, and the windowless sanctuary got
really dark.  That was when everyone would start swaying and singing in
tongues.

It would go on for minutes.  People would often cry.  Sometimes,
somebody would lay on the ground and writhe around.

So no wonder that when Levi started hearing voices he figured it was
angels and demons.

A kid like Levi, but in a different family, well, he might be living a
much different life.

If he started talking about hearing voices that told him to hurt
himself, maybe Levi could have gotten some help.

Maybe he could have talked to somebody about the voices.

Ash had a different take.  She said she doesn't think the medical system
would have treated him very well.  Thirty years ago they would
have given shock treatments or a lobotomy.

Ash said, "He'd be drooling in a cell somewhere."

I looked at her and told her she didn't need to be cruel about it.

Then I said how I keep thinking about him riding a bus all day,
staring out the window.

Ash said that it could be so much worse.  She said nobody is torturing
him right now.

----

And this is another thought that keeps coming up.   I wonder if I hadn't
gotten out of that scene, if I would have stayed in that church, what
would have happened to me.

I don't know if I would be like Levi, but I think I'd be a mess.  I'm
not doing great, but I'm doing OK enough.  OK enough to feel guilty
about not bring Levi home with me.

I remember feeling such intense shame at my own rotten nature as a boy.

Here is something else.  Did the same creep that messed with me also get
to Levi?

I didn't mention that part to Ash.

----

The night got weirder.

I thought the place was too small for anybody to dance, but people
standing along the bar started dancing.

Then I saw Freddie there, and he was dancing, and you know what?  Freddie, he
jumped up and down a bunch, and acted like a complete buffoon.

I don't know how he got into the room without me noticing.

It must have been while Ash and me were

Here's this guy that seems so cool, acting like a goofy kid.

Ash and Freddie and me talked.  Freddie mostly ignored her and said how he
read the paper that I wrote about Elvin Goodrich.

Then later, the DJ came over.  Freddie introduced us.  He was much nicer
than I expected.

Freddie talked about the paper I wrote.

I ended up explaining the whole story again.

The DJ and Freddie were ridiculously into it.

At the end of the night, I felt "cool".