Ash and me hung out tonight

We first played pool.

She was way better than I expected. I was better than she expected too. Not as good as Ash, but I really don't care. I could see it in her face that she was angry when I saw her count the remaining stripes and solids and we were still tied.

She looked up after counting and saw me watching her face and I yelled "you're mad cuz you're not winning! I'm better than you expected, aren't I?"

And I could tell I was right.

Later in the night, she said she remembered that night at the Rotten Brides show. She mentioned I seemed so happy that night, and now, it's obvious I'm fucking devastated.

She

We left the pool hall and then went to Numbers.

It didn't feel great. It was kinda empty, and the place just had a weird vibe.

Ash got into some argument with the bartender and then we had to leave.

God, she's so self-destructive.

There was something she said tonight I wanted to write down, because it burned when she said it.

Now I remember what it was. It was when we were at Numbers, and it was when I told her how the only place I really enjoy dancing is at Rich's. She said it's because I like feeling like an outsider. The fact that I don't belong is right out in the open and I'm not hiding it there.

She said how its the same thing that causes me to go to AA meetings where I'm the only white guy in the room.

It stung when she said it. She said it while I was drinking a bottle of water and she was drinking a beer.

She said "are you doing all this sobriety stuff because you believe in it, or because you're terrified of the consequences of not doing it?"

I said I was tired of her taking out her anger at the world on me. I asked her what she got out of it. Like, being mean to me won't get her electricity turned back on.

She said she doesn't even realize she is doing it, saying mean shit.

I said to her how she was like some monster that hurts the things they love, and the more they love them, the more they hurt them.

She said "fuck off" and looked away.