May 1st, 2022

I have a few habitual behaviors that are so old that I usually don't notice when I'm doing them.

Stuff I've been doing for pretty much my entire life.

Here's an example: if I'm standing outside near a big rock, like a rock the same size as a coffee table maybe, I'll plant my foot on it and lean slightly on that foot.

Next I'll push off the rock. My foot will disconnect from the rock for a moment. My weight will shift to my other foot, the foot that's on the ground. Then I'll lean again toward the rock and catch myself again.

It doesn't need to be a rock that I put my foot on. It could be a low wall, or a bench, a tree stump, my own car bumper, whatever.

I just recently noticed this nearly automatic behavior but I've likely been doing this "push, lean, catch, push" activity my whole life.

Here's another habit. This one isn't as fun. A lot of nights, before I can go to sleep, I turn off the lights in a room and then get right next to the blinds, and then watch outside.

On really bad nights, it's almost like somebody told me somebody is going to break in that night.

Some people compulsively pull their hair as a way to self-soothe. My kink is crouching at a window sill, studying the street. Looking for some hint where they're going to come from.

I've spent like five digits of cash on therapy in the last few years. Not complaining and not bragging either.

The cliff notes synopsis is easiest for me to write: back in the 1960s, my parents belonged to a fringe church that believed the members should live in a really rough part of town, to minister to the less fortunate.

I was about four years old when a guy broke in to our apartment and some pretty awful stuff happened.

I don't trust my own memory as factually accurate. But really, my whole life, I'm haunted by images I associate with that night.

If you're in the cool club, tell me if this is how it is for you: an image starts coming in focus in your mind.

You purposefully ignore it. Maybe that means staring real hard at something in the room instead. Or shaking your head. Or getting up and doing some activity. Maybe even whispering something over and over to yourself.

Getting beat up on the walk home from school by other boys a few years older than me was really awful. But those events don't terrify me now.

I'm careful when I walk places. But I'm not planning to get jumped.

It doesn't feel like something that's likely to happen. Those bad experiences didn't stain me like that other one did.

I've been reading about eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR). It's expensive. I'll likely try that out.

I've bought guns. I live in a fancy neighborhood in a nice house with a good security system.

I've taken the pharmaceuticals.

But the fear weaves past everything I put up against it.

I realize it is progress that up until recently, I didn't even consciously realize I was doing this bizarre paranoid surveillance late at night.

The slow-motion lean and push game on a big rock feels kind of fun. Maybe I started doing it when I was bored as a child in order to pass the time.

As I lean while I stand on one foot, there's a subtle feeling of gliding. I can sometimes hear the air blowing past my ears if I really get moving.